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Metapost: Friday COTWastic

Oh let’s not dilly dally, let’s get right to the COTW!

“Ex-scuse me, but you can never have too much pink in a pillow sham. You just lost all credibility there, chica. No wonder your husband won’t listen to you — your argument has no basis in fact. I would certainly hate to see your idea of a good pillow sham. It’s probably a pinkless godawful disgrace. [actual dialogue consists of random barking]” –made of wince

The runners up are also delightful!

“So, you want us to acknowledge the avian qualities of our characters, do you? You want to see them flying around, perhaps diving into the ocean for fish? Here you go! Isn’t it everything you ever wanted?” –Enlong

‘How would you like your steak?’ ‘The same way I like flattering roles for women in Judge Parker … extremely rare.” –Joe Blevins

“Based on Funky’s facial expression in panel 1, the only thing sadder in Funky Winkerbean than life itself and its endless crushing disappointments is the thought that anyone in the strip might ever have a function relevant to modern life.” –Francis

“Is it just me, or is Abbey asking and answering her own question in panel one? Normally I would find that a horribly annoying habit, but I think it’s a step in the right direction in this case. Hopefully all the characters will follow suit and nobody will talk directly to one another ever again. Who has hope for the future of Judge Parker? This guy!” –Dante

“Presumably the baristas in the Parkerverse write ‘The Chambers Affair is Excellent’ on half of their cups and ‘The screenplay is even better!’ on the other in an attempt to engage their customers in a discussion about Parker Privilege.” –But What Do I Know?

“I love that opening image of Terry walking to work with her arms held out and elbows folded. This is how you begin a story about a grown-up woman with a tiny briefcase who’s working a serious grown-up job, people.” –Jenny Creed

“Jam spiced with tears of loneliness is always the best spread.” –Naked Bunny with a Whip

“Even in the face of widespread genocide, the punning continues.” –TheDiva

What do these letters mean on the cereal box? No, seriously, I’m completely illiterate and allergic to peanuts. I might die if you don’t read it to me.” –Alex Blaze

“Oh, let’s be done with it once and for all; you’re a plugger if you are a dog that’s really Wilford Brimley.” –Joe Momma

Apartment 3-G: “I don’t know if the antagonist is a big role or a tiny role. It’s all very hush-hush. Everyone involved has had to sign agreements promising not to disclose details of the script or any of the narratological conventions of western storytelling. Who knows?!?” –Shoe Substitutes

I don’t know what you’re talking about, Coach. Here, look at my fingers! Are these the fingers of someone who knows what you’re talking about?” –Digger

“I’m sorry but I just can’t feel too bad for the pluggers in this case. If you bought your first house for less than the price of a new car today, that represents a significant financial gain, because that same house is worth FAR more today! Unless you’re some kind of terrible hoarder who wrecked the value of the own ho– ohhhh, now I get it.” –Purple Prosecutor

“I think you’ve underestimated Heathcliff. He’s not trying to maximize his purchasing power … no, no, no. Heathcliff has discovered a taste for exotic meats. And there’s only one end point for that path: Heathcliff is, sooner rather than later, going to develop a taste for human. The Heathpocalypse is night! Repent!” –APNDaveR

“I’m kinda digging that smug look on Bobby in panel 2. ‘Yeah, I pulled a classic Dumbo’s Feather gambit on him. Dumbo is my nickname for Max, by the way, but don’t tell him tha– Crap, he’s still in the room, isn’t he.’” –Drewbear

Panel 2: ‘Say, is one supposed to look up and to the LEFT when pretending to recall true information or RIGHT? I can never remember … er, wait, did I say all that out loud?’” –Proteus454

This is indeed a great tie-in with Avengers 2: My Eyes Are Up Here.” –Dan

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Violently soapy Friday

Mary Worth, 3/27/15

Hey, guys, remember back in 2009, when Mark and Cherry Trail’s friend Patty kept a deer in her house and it infuriated her violent, jealous husband who slapped her around for it (not pictured) and shot the deer, but then the deer came back for revenge and injured him and they decided to let bygones be bygones and adopt a baby? This was egregious enough to generate actual angry letters to King Features, who said that they “should have done a better job of researching the facts about domestic violence” and “We can only apologize sincerely to the readers of Mark Trail for this oversight and endeavor to be more vigilant in the future.” So I’m hoping this vigilance will result in some negative reprecussions for Adam, whose decision to track down Terry has caused her to burst into tears and run away in panic and that’s before she finds out he’s literally moved into her apartment building? Rather than having Mary gently guide to two of them to the altar? Wait, never mind, this is Mary Worth, we know what they do to stalkers here.

Mark Trail, 3/27/15

In new-look Mark Trail, the only violence will be part of the eternal war of man against bug. Bankrupted by beetles! How humiliating that must be for you, Mark’s Friend With Hair That’s Really Aggressively Retreating At The Temples!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/27/15

Meanwhile, in Rex Morgan, M.D., we find out that anyone who dares to inconvenience Sarah Morgan or her entourage in any way gets a MEATY FIST IN THE THROAT. Who exactly are we supposed to be rooting for here again? I mean, in theory I’m against punching as an end game for economic disputes, but the thuggish enforcer of a longtime mob family does make some pretty good points about loyalty and the nature of patron-client relationships here.

Spider-Man, 3/27/15

Congratulations, Newspaper Spider-Man Comic Strip! You started a Wolverine storyline a full two months after the release of Wolverine: Origins, and an Avengers storyline four months before the release of the first Avengers movie, but now you’re introducing a storyline featuring beloved Avengers character Black Widow a mere five weeks before the release of the new Avengers movie! This is a decent example of cross-platform marketing for Marvel franchises! Spider-Man the character is still hilariously incompetent, of course, but Spider-Man the comic strip is kind of doing its job well for once.

Gil Thorp, 3/27/15

I DID IT EVERYONE

I SUCCESSFULLY PREDICTED THE ENDING OF THIS STORYLINE

WHO ELSE COULD’VE — oh, literally everybody? Oh, OK. Damn it, now I’m mostly just bummed that we didn’t get to see the no doubt hilariously inept Max-Bobby fisticuffs.

Thursday one liners

Gil Thorp, 3/26/15

Shockingly, the kid who thinks “Max Bacon™” is a cool nickname and who’s been buying what may or may not be fake Adderall has turned out to be not particularly smart.

Heathcliff, 3/26/15

If you’re looking to make the most of your seafood dollar, buying fish from a pet store is indeed about the least efficient way to go about it.

Hi and Lois, 3/26/15

Fortunately for Ditto, Meaties®, the new all-meat cereal from General Mills, is compatible with gluten-free and low-carb diets while still delivering the delicious meaty taste kids crave.

Pluggers, 3/26/15

Price inflation is a natural feature of nearly all economic systems, and in most cases is not a sign of any sort of macroeconomic distress, but pluggers have lived long enough to find it disorienting.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/26/15

AT LAST, WE’VE GOTTEN TO THE PART OF THIS STORYLINE WHERE THIS BRUTAL MOB ENFORCER MAKES AN UNREASONABLY DEMAND AND SOME POOR SCHMO BEGS FOR HIS LIFE