Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/11/13
All the top etiquette experts agree: If you gave one of your dinner guests a handjob in high school, it’s best to bring it up as early in the evening as possible, to get any potential awkwardness out of the way.
Gasoline Alley, 12/11/13
Ha ha, look at Slim’s horrified thousand-mile stare! “I never thought any of the children would do … that … on my lap, and yet it keeps happening — again, and again and again…”
Marvin is just now realizing that he’s a literal demon from hell.
Mary Worth, 12/11/13
“I could take a black and white picture of all these black and white pictures! It’d be ‘self-referential’ or ‘metatextual’ or whatever bullshit the kids are saying these days.”
I’m preeeeettty sure that Francis has knocked some girl up.
BIRDS DON’T HAVE ANY MONEY
THE ONLY FLAW IN YOUR PERFECT PLAN
Funky Winkerbean, 12/10/13
FUNKYQUEST, EVERYBODY! Cory Winkerbean has been assigned to dangerous mine-clearing duties in Afghanistan, so to give him strength his mother is attempting to fill in some gaps in his comic book collection. You’d think this would be fun and exciting to Comic Book John (a) because he enjoys the hunt through the world of comics for its own sake and/or (b) because he’ll be able to charge a finder’s fee of 20 to 100 percent on whatever issues he discovers through his network of contacts. And yet he looks pretty depressed in that final panel! Probably because he knows this is the Funkyverse, and and any “journey of Biblical proportions” will end in one of several Biblical ways, e.g., crucifixion, eyes gouged out, killed by she-bears, murdered in a temple with your co-religionists that’s then torn down and turned into a public toilet, etc.
Say, did you read the obituary last week for the French general who blew the lid off of torture and other atrocities the French committed in Algeria? In unrelated news, here’s a zany cartoon!
Slylock Fox, 12/9/13
I think “Bertha Bear broke out of prison” should go down among the great opening lines in the history of fiction, along with “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times” and “A screaming comes across the sky”. What was she in for, how long did she have left in her sentence, and how did she escape? Unfortunately, none of these questions are answered in today’s strip, although we do at least get an appropriately cluttered vision of an abandoned house in the Slylockverse. The two things I enjoy most about today’s mystery are (a) that the solution hinges not on some confirmable scientific fact about real bears in our universe, but rather anthropomorphic cartoon bears’ well-known predilection for carrying around large, well-labeled jars of honey, and (b) that Bertha Bear is right there, at the lower left, her head sticking out of the floorboards, looking pissed. “Yes, what, honey, are you kidding me? Just arrest me and take me back to the big house and get this over with already, Jesus Christ.”
Mary Worth, 12/9/13
The little dance Mary is doing here as she balances her lust and her status-seeking strikes me as extremely revealing about her character. On the one hand, she obviously finds Ken to be a very attractive slab of Broadwayman, and can’t resist bragging to Shelly that she’s about to be squired about New York on his sexy, sexy arm. On the other, the fact that the voice that made him famous is now no more is obviously a source of great embarrassment to her, because what’s the point of bragging about Ken Kensington’s attentions if he can’t even sing? “Less song in his voice” seems like an extremely minimizing way to say “botched surgery destroyed his career.” I look forward to the moment later in this plot when Shelly urges Ken to sing a few notes over dinner! The resulting social awkwardness should be excruciating for everyone involved.
Family Circus, 12/9/13
You know, I tend to scoff at people who get worked up about how there’s too much time today spent boosting kids’ self-esteem, but if a child as gross and unlikable as Jeffy thinks that a hug and a kiss from him represents of gift of any sort, maybe we have gone too far.
Beetle Bailey, 12/8/13
Well I for one am relieved to read Cpl. Yo’s line in the final panel of today’s Beetle Bailey. Turns out Sarge isn’t an omnipotent weather-deity after all! That would’ve really thrown everything I believe about the universe into chaos and confusion. No, he’s just a guy with access to an unusually precise weather report.
Family Circus, 12/8/13
Speaking of omnipotence, Billy seems to think of God not so much as the all-knowing, all-powerful spirit being who created time and space, but rather as some guy who gets forgetful or distracted and has to write things down. He also appears to be on the verge of presenting God with a list of demands. Maybe he’s mixing up Our Heavenly Father with Santa Claus? Ma Keane perhaps should look a little less smug, considering the quality of religious education her son seems to have received thus far.
Better Half, 12/8/13
Today in the Better Half: Stanley’s body is crapping out on him, which he appropriate brings up with a joke about a song that’s more than 40 years old; Stanley hates his own mind so much that he’s willing to try anything to numb the pain, including an amateur self-inflicted lobotomy; Harriet’s friend has acquired a sex-robot; and Harriet and Stanley appear to have a daughter who’s never appeared in the strip before. The last of these episodes is by far the most unsettling to me.
Hi and Lois, 12/7/13
I’m sort of fascinated by the roller-coaster of facial expressions Hi is treating us to here. In panel one, he’s staring at Thirsty’s gut in shock and disbelief, as if he’s thinking “My God, he’s right! Everything they’ve told us about beer guts is a lie! What’s the point of avoiding beer if you’re still going to get fat? What’s the point of anything?” But in panel two, he switches to cruel superiority. “Ha ha, Thirsty, man does not grow fat on beer alone! Meat and bread are also full of calories! The world makes sense once again, though now that I know you’ve given up beer without any kind of introspective look at why you were so dependent on alcohol in the first place, it’s going to be even more pleasingly cutting to call you ‘Thirsty.’”
Turns out yesterday’s mind-bending encounter was just Crankshaft getting a mystical and terrifying glimpse into his own future, which has shaken his very soul. Naturally not only does nobody believe him, but they’re all very ostentatiously laughing at him, because this is a strip where none of the characters are capable of pity or empathy of any kind.
Herb and Jamaal, 12/7/13
Have you ever dreaded going to your mind-numbing, unfulfilling job and thought that, even though you’d be less well off in terms of material possessions, you’d be happier and more satisfied with a spiritual calling that allowed you to help your neighbors and give glory to God? Well, Herb and Jamaal’s Rev. Croom and I have got some bad news for you.
Oh hey, after a week off, it’s a new comment of the week!
“‘I will always be in your debt!’ Translation: Don’t expect any of that money back.” –White Rabbit
And some very funny runners up!
“In the third panel, note that Veronica and Archie are helpfully demonstrating the two extremes of Bipolar II disorder. Even their outfits (Screamin’ Strike Pink and Bowling Bummer Blue, respectively) convey episodes of hypomania and deep depression.” –Joe Blevins
Luann: “Protip: if you live in a world of paper-thin characterizations where most people are defined by one or two traits that are comically exaggerated to substitute for personality, you might want to avoid marrying someone whose single defining trait you find intensely irritating.” –Master Softheart
“Mary says she lived in New York ‘years ago’ and that it’s since lost its old-town charm, which confirms my suspicion that Mary is not ‘perpetually 60,’ but a member of the undead. The last time New York had real old-town charm was in the days of Peter Stuyvesant, of whom Mary has first hand knowledge. Ask her sometime about his ‘Dutch treat.’” –debussy fields
“‘Whoops, this syrup is slippery,’ cried the henchman, ‘and the jar fell right into this basket of deadly cobras!’ And so Old Man Dunlap passed the fresh batch of meth to his distributor right under Mark Trail’s nose.” –Ed Dravecky
“HEATHCLIFF IS ASCENDANT. HEATHCLIFF KNOWS ALL. SEES ALL. CONSUMES ALL. GRAVITY DOES NOT AFFECT HEATHCLIFF. TIME DOES NOT AFFECT HEATHCLIFF. YOU ARE ALREADY IN HIS MOUTH. YOUR FRIENDS ARE HIS TEETH. YOUR HOME IS HIS ESOPHAGUS. YOUR TOMB IS HIS STOMACH. YOU WILL BE BURIED.
it is too late” –bunivasal
“Spider-Man would like to lash back at the jeering children, mocking their own weaknesses and insecurities with a catchy taunt of his own, but he can’t think of anything that rhymes with ‘pencil-thin mustache.’ Or ‘hormonal imbalance.’ Or ‘Don Johnson’s jacket.’” –Shoe Substitutes
“I’m a little disappointed that the newly-liberated rabbit passed up this opportunity to hop on Pop.” –Doctor Handsome
“Say what you want about Leroy’s alcoholism, at least he keeps his bottles neatly organized, largest to smallest. That there is a sign he still takes some small pride in his chosen vocation.” –Robot Quasar
“Perhaps Hagar is going to be this generation’s Conan. First, Hagar the Horrible, which we’ve been enjoying (is that too strong a term?), then Hagar the Conquerer, in which he leads his men south into the civilized lands and plows a trail of fire and gold, and finally Hagar the Emperor, where he broods on this throne of skulls and ponders whether it was worth leaving the thatched hut on the icy shores for the warm pleasures of the South. It will end, tragic and bloody, with a nod to Shakespeare when Eddie, a minor Iago, kills Hagar and takes Helga as his own.” –Voshkod
“For such a great Broadway actor, Ken isn’t able to keep up his ‘Happy to Be With Mary Worth’ face for a couple minutes.” –Baka Gaijin
“Oh god, it’s a team-up with the golden age Crankshaft. I am just 100% not ready for Crisis on Funkyverse One.” –Dan
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