Main content:

Metapost: COTW, and a pilgrimage

Hello all. I thought you would be interested in knowing that in just a few short hours, my lovely wife and I will be taking a trip for our anniversary (our tenth! can you believe it?). We’ll be driving a few short hours up the coast to Santa Barbara, which, as you may or may not know, is the setting for Mary Worth, thinly disguised as “Santa Royale.” Will our vacation be ruined by meddling? Will I need to fend off the sexual advances of suddenly single Toby? Should we stop by the university and follow the loud sobbing noises to Ian’s office? Should we avoid the crime-ridden boardwalk?

Anyway, it’s only a few days and comics will post here on schedule because I’m dedicated like that. How could I not be, considering how great you are? Here, this week’s top comment demonstrates the amazingness of my readership:

“I’d like to see a new comic focused on those two security guards in Rex Morgan. Bob Cut and Taco Boy are: Exposition Cops!” –Voshkod

The runners up are also extremely funny!

Do you ever get the feeling at the start of school that we’re all just passing through? Because I sure don’t! I’ve been here forever, through at least four major shifts in hairstyle trends, and I’m starting to doubt whether even the sweet embrace of death will free me from this horrible prison.” –ratnerstar

“Whenever an ancillary character like the brunette security guard is so clearly drawn from life, I have to wonder: is the artist trying to work in some friend or relative, or did King Features Syndicate have a contest I didn’t know about? Maybe it’s a reward for long-time King employees. ‘As you know, Gladys, we’ve had to end our 401(k) matching program due to dwindling revenues, so instead we’re letting you be the one who says I gave him his security badge last week! in the Sunday Rex Morgan. Congrats!’” –Joe Blevins

“Meanwhile, we get to see the result of Charterstone’s new ‘Park anywhere you want!’ policy.” –seismic-2

You’ll be like the Kardashians — but with IQ points. Look, they’re good at publicity, but they can’t stat up a character for shit. You need to dump Strength and Charisma and go all in on Intelligence, and think ahead: do you see yourself as more Conjuration or Illusion focused? How important would you say an extra first-level feat is for you?” –Carter

“It would be weird if political campaigning during work hours was what finally got Crankshaft fired. Kind of like how they nabbed Al Capone for tax evasion.” –TheDiva

“Ah, Mississippi Ken: Daisy Duke hair, Boss Hogg car.” –pugfuggly

“Milton’s not the man he used to be, but he can still get it up if he thinks he’s banging his secretary. And I need a legitimate heir if I’m going to prevail in this proxy battle over the long term. Senility does have its advantages. Guard the door, will you, Jordan?” –cheech wizard

“I believe that is supposed to be a 1970 Monte Carlo adorned with what I think is the skull of a juvenile Beelzebub.” –Steve Philip, on Facebook

“Nice portrait of Toby with Ian photo-bombing his own wife.” –Rusty

“Hagar may look comically inept, but his martial prowess is such that in between panels he’s switched his sword from his right hand to his left, discarding his shield in the process, AND still swung with enough force to produce that clonking effect. Also he, uh, has a sword stuck in his groin? These guys were TOUGH.” –Adam C

“Yeah, I’m getting pretty sick of being a skydiving instructor, actually. I only had one customer this week, and it was a mute cat. It paid me in dead birds. It’s almost as if I have no reason to exist. Yeah, that’s why I’m wearing this ‘MEH’ helmet—got that from the cat, too. SO glad you asked, Mom.” –made of wince

“[record scratch] What? Apartment 3-G turned into a lesbian humiliation porno so slowly … no, no NO! So quickly!” –Baka Gaijin

“By the way, Les, let me be the first to tell you that you died during the reunion! That’s right, Mister I-can’t-dream-of-saving-my-beloved, welcome to the afterlife! Now get into that classroom, shove your smirk up your ass, and teach those kids until they all earn a passing grade! You’re in English-teacher Hell, douchebag!” –Droopy Says

“Remember, job seekers: in today’s economy, no one wants to hear about where you see yourself in five years or what a team player you are. ‘I have lots of money in my bag, take as much as you need’ is the phrase that will set you apart from the competition — prospective employers find that ‘nice.’” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Holy shit, Namor’s not fucking around this time! Did you see that pile of severed heads?!!” –Doctor Handsome

“I have chosen to make this announcement here, on the lido deck of the Carnival cruise ship ‘Partius Maximus’, instead of the United Nations because I could not resist the bounteous all-day buffet.” –Aphthakid

“Yeah, people will be swarming to work making clothing, a traditionally low-paying job, in a bunch of precariously piled reconditioned shipping boxes. Any mention of air-conditioning? This might be the dictionary definition of ‘sweatshop.’” –maltmash3r

“Please tell me this is all building up to some sort of Comics Sweeps Week Crossover Event. On Monday, Mary Worth (now unemployed in her own strip) leads the charge of seniors seeking jobs at Neddy’s factory. Sally Forth is brought in as VP of Human Resources, at a salary that allows Ted to buy real light sabers. (Hillary’s boyfriend John is ultimately revealed to be the secret son of Abbey and a gangly stable hand, and thus the one true SpencerDriver heir.) With her garment industry experience, Margo is hired as floor manager; shipping containers randomly disappear, only to be replaced by church spires and Hoboken smokestacks. Meanwhile, in Ohio, cancer.” –boojum

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And let’s give thanks to our advertisers:

  • Bluebeards Original is proud to join The Comics Curmudgeon as an advertiser! Company owner Paul Kaniewski is a longtime follower of this site, to the point that it inspired him to created the famed Aldo Kelrast MySpace profile. Bluebeards has been making top-rated beard care products for ten years now, so any bearded folks or those that love them, please check out the site and try their stuff.

If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

Remember, she’s only hiring old people, so the riot will be even funnier

Judge Parker, 9/4/15

Marie, the Spencer-Drivers’ sassy maid, is quickly becoming my favorite character in this strip, what with her apparent love of telling the main characters exactly why their ludicrous schemes will fail, and her swoopy eyebrows giving her the exactly correct expression of anger-driven glee. Neddy looks mildly concerned over the chaos she’s going to accidentally unleash on her still-under-constructions offices next week, though probably she’s mostly thinking about how the angry proles will turn on each other, literally beating each other to death in a competition for some of the last manufacturing jobs in the area, and then she’ll have to figure out how to get poor person blood out of all the fabric she’s hopefully remembered to buy.

Six Chix, 9/4/15

There’s a lot to unpack in this insane cartoon. Like, I had to actually Google “are giraffe spots unique” to figure out the joke. Then there’s the fact that the psychologist (?) is a giraffe but also labelled “VET”, as if sapient giraffes would use the term for their own indigenous medical practitioners. Mostly, though, I just want to point out that our de-spotted giraffe patient has limbs that all look way too much like dicks for my comfort.

Shoe, 9/4/15

I love that the usual patented Shoe Goggle Eyes of Horror have been replaced here with Goggle Eyes of Transcendent Rage. “Wait, what? You’re mocking your sacred duty under democracy to understand the platforms of candidates for public office? In my restaurant? Oh, hell no.”

Spider-Man, 9/4/15

Man, Peter Parker really cares about admiralty law and maritime sovereignty. “BOO! GET BACK TO US WHEN ATLANTIS RATIFIES THE UNITED NATIONS CONVENTION ON THE LAW OF THE SEA!”

If Margo ends up back in the zipper-toting industry, all will be forgiven

Gil Thorp, 9/3/15

YES YES YES MARTY MOON PAST ROMANCE PLOT YES I’VE NEVER WANTED ANYTHING SO MUCH IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!! I’m assuming the lady in panel three is in fact Marty’s ex, and is the same lady from earlier this week who is supposedly some sort of smart person, though the fact that at one point she did sex stuff with Marty calls that into question. Clearly the “mental baggage” she’s referring to in her thought balloon is the unshakeable memory of the smell of Marty’s goatee, all discount whisky and microphone disinfectant.

Apartment 3-G, 9/3/15

Oh dear, it looks like Margo really has lost her grip on reality, for confusing and unrealistic reasons. No, Margo! If you have the money and she doesn’t, that makes you her boss! Are you so far gone that you’ve even forgotten basic capitalism?

Spider-Man, 9/3/15

“Yeah, blah blah, we’re literally poisoning you, your friends and family are sick and dying because of our negligence, please don’t dump our garbage directly into your home. Heard it all before! Get a job, hippie!”

Funky Winkerbean, 9/3/15

Poor Les has been haunted by thoughts of aging and death all week, so probably the sudden appearance of Dead Lisa shouldn’t be a huge shock. Is she here to gently shepherd her beloved through the Veil to the Other Side? Let’s hope! Cayla can use the life insurance money to have dinner in Paris, blessedly alone!