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They might be menacingly inedible, I guess

Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/28/15

Welp, after some negotiations with Nancy’s family and Kelly’s mob lawyer, we’ve figured out what Nancy’s punishment should be: Nancy is now in charge of making sure Kelly’s car isn’t damaged further. The bullying stops today! Unless she needs to use violence or the threat of violence to keep people from damaging Kelly’s car. Then she should bully as much as she needs to. The car is the important thing. She’s got to protect that car by any means necessary or everything that’s important to her gets taken away. I’m beginning to think that Kelly has found herself employed by the right organization.

Dennis the Menace, 5/28/15

You might think that by teaching himself to cook so he doesn’t have to bother his parents for treats, Dennis is being extremely non-menacing. But then, what’s more menacing to a parent than learning that his child doesn’t need him anymore? A+ power move, Dennis.

The relative HIPAA violations of a SPIDER

Spider-Man, 5/27/15

Oh, look, Spider-Man is literally snooping on his former best friend’s confidential psychotherapy session, listening in as Harry weepingly describes his grief over his father, whom Spider-Man killed. And what’s going through Spidey’s head in this fraught emotional moment? “You know who was great as Batman? Michael Keaton! Clooney and Kilmer were jokes, of course, but I frankly think, despite all the hype, that Christian Bale was overrated in the role as well.”

Beetle Bailey, 5/27/15

Ha ha, it’s funny because the hair on the back of General Halftrack’s head looks like a butt! Also, the face on the front of his head shows us a look of deep despair as he realizes that he’s entirely superfluous, and the institution to which he’s dedicated his entire life has no use for him anymore!

Mark Trail, 5/27/15

“Rusty sure is going to be excited when he sees these two little beavers! Hey … those ducks give me an idea … I’ll get Rusty excited about these little beavers, then make him watch as I set them free in the lake, ensuring that he’ll never see them again! The ducks gave me the idea because everyone knows ducks are assholes.”

Herb and Jamaal, 5/27/15

“Heh, my wife may have a serious problem with compulsive shopping! Am I going to say anything about it? No. Am I going to smile smugly while I silently engage in wordplay? You’d better believe it!”

To Defeat Evil, James Bond Must Win The Masters In: Spectre

Slylock Fox, 5/26/15

You know, for too long I’ve thought about the transition from human to animal rule in Slylock Fox in terms of revolutionary violence. But perhaps I’m mistaken. Look at the episode in today’s Six Differences: maybe the revolt began not with acts of carnage, but acts of love, as newly sapient animals freed their dear ones from enslavement. Like all oppressors, of course, the gentleman holding the leash doesn’t see it this way; he’s furious because he can only understand that his own previously unquestioned authority is now under threat. The Great Change did entail violence, of course, but maybe the animals didn’t initiate it.

Apartment 3-G, 5/26/15

Oh hey, remember Margo’s ex-boyfriend Greg, who plays James Bond? Well, here he is, the guy playing one of the most high-profile characters in the movies, just wandering around the streets of New York sans entourage, ready to bump into Margo and make small talk with her about her agency, which … you know, I sort of thought that Greg had been Margo’s client? Of course, she’s a terrible publicist and all, but probably even she’d be smart enough to advise him not to ruin his Bondian cred by appearing in public wearing a green jacket. Anyway, on the surface, this may look like the same kind of disconnected dreamscape conversation Apartment 3-G’s been mired in for months, but replying to your ex-lover’s “Have you missed me?” with “It’s lovely to see you” is from my point of view a delightfully sick burn.

Heathcliff, 5/26/15

Dear Heathcliff and Creators Syndicate: you can’t just make a character cool by having him stand next to another character widely considered cool and then have a third party say “That’s a whole lotta cool.” That’s not how being cool works!