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To be fair, every villain Dick Tracy encounters is a hideous mutant

Funky Winkerben, 1/25/15

Welp, the Dick Tracy-Funky Winkerbean crossover is wrapping up without a single person dying in a hail of bullets, and I for one am pretty disappointed about it. I do like the words of life wisdom that Holly and Dick are trading here, though. Maybe, just maybe, you shouldn’t immediately judge (and subsequently arrest and/or shoot for “resisting arrest”) people just because they look “shady,” you know? Maybe you should instead determine their worth based on their enjoyment of cultural production units that you also enjoy. I’m pretty sure that the main character of High Fidelity has the exact opposite of this revelation at the story’s conclusion, which is evidence that he’s grown less shallow as a person, but, baby steps, I guess.

Apartment 3-G, 1/25/15

Apartment 3-G has meanwhile devolved into a full-on Lu Ann dreamscape? “Tommie, why are you leaving the apartment to go to work, in the morning, as the workday starts?” “I’m going to work. Don’t forget to wake up Margo!” “Gasp! Margo is gone!” [stands in the middle of the hallway, nowhere near a door or anywhere where Margo might be expected to be]

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 1/25/15

While details are murky, archaeological evidence seems to indicate that the Polynesian settlers of Easter Island deforested the place after a few centuries there, which meant they were no longer able to build and move the huge moai statues the island is famous for — and, perhaps more importantly, were no longer able to build oceangoing vessels that allowed them to fish, which in turn led to a rapid decline in population. Meanwhile, in Hootin’ Holler, it seems that the residents are setting in motion an ecological catastrophe of their own, unsustainably extracting fuel to power one of the community’s main economic engines (moonshine production) at the long-term expense of environmental resources needed for the other (chicken theft).

Panels from Hi and Lois, 1/25/15

Look, just between you and me, I never really cared for Mad Men, but if the show’s booze-soaked popularity had anything to do with the return of wacky retro “Thirsty is a drunk” jokes in Hi and Lois, then it has done good for this world.

Soapy Saturday

Mark Trail, 1/24/15

I guess if you almost drowned after being blown up, and then you came to in some mysterious stranger’s ancestral raccoon-guarded swamp-palace, then “relaxed” might be the emotion you’d feel! I mean, you’d maybe be more relaxed if he said “You’re in a hospital where competent medical professionals will be tending to the injuries resulting from your recent traumatic experience, and also law enforcement officials are investigating this terrible crime,” but waking up in an isolated cabin with someone who doesn’t play by society’s rules about how to to deal with bombs and wounded people is kind of relaxing, I guess.

Mary Worth, 1/24/15

You know, people complain about how the Kids Today won’t stop texting during movies or checking their Twitters or whatever, but for my money the number one problem in theaters is old people who just will not shut up about unexpectedly finding a second chance at love! It’s like, hey, senior citizens, was your romance so intense and heart-warming that Nicholas Sparks wrote about it in a novel that was optioned by Warner Brothers before it even hit a second printing and was eventually made into the movie that we all paid $12 to see? No? Then pipe down, jeez.

Metapost: Comments of the week, for fun

Hello all! Let’s start the weekend right the best way we can: with a comment of the week!

“Nice, quote Oedipus while peeling the eyes from potatoes.” –Joe Momma

And some very funny runners up!

“Crestfallen Sean only manages to continue because he took the batteries out of his hearing aid. If music be the food of love, then what the hell is this?” –Artist formerly known as Ben

Charity? That’s one of my favorite causes!” –Peanut Gallery

“Are we actually sure Mr. Wants-to-be-Coach is talking about abstract brands here? Maybe it’s tradition in Gil Thorp-land to literally brand successful players with red-hot irons? ‘It’s time to choose your brand, kid. Make it a good one; you’re gonna have it forever.’” –Lanfranc

“If people feel the need to add the words ‘that criminal known as the…’ in front of your name, it means your nickname didn’t take. Sorry, Jumbler.” –Joe Blevins

“Herb is doing his best to keep print media alive, and he’s pissed off that Jamaal brings up the competition in such a light. ‘Well, if you like these new forms of communication so much, why don’t you go sex their buttholes?! I’m reading the newspaper!’” –rbmalpha

“Sean’s face and arm say, ‘Hey, babe, wanna catch a flick?,’ while his words and leglessness say, ‘I am an animatronic torso programmed to ask the female to view a film.’” –bourbonbabe, unbuckled

A BRIBE? You, sir, have clearly never eaten at Montoni’s.” –Windier E. Megatons

“So, this robot took three steps forward and then teetered and fell on its face? A worthy adversary indeed!” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“You know, maybe wizards who walk around in the middle of winter with bare feet and in robes that stop at their hips shouldn’t be so quick to judge The Girls Today.” –Alex Blaze

“HANDS UP DON’T SMIRK” –John Fulcher, on Facebook

“Today’s Dick Winkerbean aggregate finally answers the question: How can you be in two places at once when you’re not anywhere at all?” –SgtSaunders

“Don’t confuse jurisdiction with its exact synonym, legal authority. And while you are chewing on that koan, here’s the sound of one hand pulling a trigger.” –Nekrotzar

Jell-O molds and a ‘Valentine’s social’? Say what you will about pluggers being old-fashioned, but a time-traveling chicken from 1955 is a movie concept I would definitely go to see.” –BigTed

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